


This Can't Be The End

by Pixyl



Series: Heart of a Cowboy [2]
Category: All Elite Wrestling
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:28:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixyl/pseuds/Pixyl
Summary: Kenny choked back a sob at the thought of their move, he’d done his crying. While trying to comfort his friends, his brothers, trying to understand what happened. Why it happened.
Relationships: Kenny Omega/Adam Page
Series: Heart of a Cowboy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913476
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is a huge time gap between chapter 3 and this chapter, I will go back and address those things.. but I just HAD to write this.
> 
> Tissue warning. There are big sads. I'm sorry.

Kenny looked at the clock, 2:45am, and sighed.  _ Where is he? Why hasn’t he come back to the room? Last call was 45 mins ago.. Heh last.. call  _ Kenny choked back a sob at the thought of their move, he’d done his crying. While trying to comfort his friends, his brothers, trying to understand what happened. Why it happened. He wasn’t mad at them, at anyone really, just confused. Why did things always fall apart, why is he always being torn between people he loves.  _ There has to be a reason. Some explanation.  _ He looked at the clock again, 2:50am, “sitting here.. Isn’t helping” Kenny said out loud. 

He decided to pull on his shoes and go looking for Adam.  _ He can’t be far. He can’t be in any condition to walk far.  _ Again, Kenny held back tears. The thought that Adam was somewhere, avoiding him, drunk, was just too much. He’d always told Adam to call, text, ask to be picked up, if he got too drunk. He promised he would. Kenny shook his head, grabbed his wallet and headed out the door. A quick scan of the nearly empty lobby showed no signs of him, the bar closed, like he knew it would be, his heart sank knowing his Cowboy was out wandering the streets of Jacksonville. 

Once outside the hotel, Kenny looked in each direction trying to decide which way to start walking. Nothing with a bar would be open, no good late night places close enough that wouldn’t require him walking through a drive through if he went in search of food. He took a deep breath, decided to head in the direction of a nearby park where they’d had a picnic lunch one day, hoping he’d go there to just hang out.  _ Please let me be right. I’ll find you, Cowboy, if you want me to or not. I promised to take care of you. I’m keeping that promise.  _

*****

Adam stumbled out of the bar as it was closing, his can ‘for the road’ in one hand, his gear bag hoisted up on the opposite shoulder. He stared at the elevator, knowing he should just go up to their room and get the telling off he deserves.  _ I can’t… I can’t face him. I ruined everything.  _ Instead he turns and walks out the door, with no real place to go.

He looks at his watch, even though he knows no bars are open, and there’s no decent food nearby. He sighs, defeated, and just walks, without knowing where he’s going.  _ Doesn’t matter where I go, it ain’t gonna be where I wanna be. I’m sorry, Angel. I don’t deserve you.  _ He glances up and recognizes the area, there’s a park nearby.  _ Only 3 or 4 hours till sunrise, I can hang out at the park.  _ As Adam approaches the park, he sees some benches, and it occurs to him that he’s been here before.  _ Picnic. We ate lunch here. To spend time together, away from everyone. Guess you’re always with me, Angel.  _

He sits on a bench, sets his gear bag at his feet, and cracks open his beer. Memories of the lunch he had with Kenny flooding his mind, mixed up with memories of what he did to Nick and Matt earlier, along with their confrontation at the Daily’s Place bar, and it’s all too much. Tears streaming down his face, he continues to drink his beer and stare at nothing.  _ They’re right, m’really just a drunk. Kenny deserves better. Better partner, better friend, just, better. I’ll never be able to ‘splain why I did what I did.  _ Soft footsteps break him out of his thoughts, he looks up and freezes.

*****

Kenny walks into the park, scans the area where the benches are and sees someone, as he gets closer he knows it’s Adam. Seeing Adam sitting on a park bench, drinking a beer, looking defeated, breaks his heart.  _ Oh Cowboy, why? Help me understand. Let me help you.  _ He approached Adam slowly, suddenly unsure of his welcome, but wanting nothing more than to just hug him.

Adam looked up, saw Kenny, and froze.  _ Angel, no, no I can’t.. I’m sorry. I can’t.  _ He looks away, unable to look at Kenny, and lets out a small sob, tears flowing again, he says “Kenny, please, just… go. I… I love you, but… go back to our.. Uh your.. room”. 

Kenny staggered back a little momentarily, as if he’d be physically hit.  _ No. NO. You aren’t sending me away.  _ He straightened himself up, took a deep breath and sat down on the bench with Adam, leaving space, just in case. He reached out a hand and hovered over Adam’s shoulder, but thought better of touching him right now, and rested his hand on the bench. The last thing he wanted was to be shoved.  _ I gotta be careful. Adam please.  _ “I’m not leaving,” he said softly, “You can ignore me if you want. But I made promises to you.” 

Adam put his head in his hands, mumbled something into them, then turned to look at Kenny, he was completely stunned by what he saw. A punch to the gut would have hurt less than looking into the eyes of the man he loves and seeing such pain and sadness.  _ You been cryin, I can see. I ain’t worth it.  _ “Kenny, m’drunk. M’sorry, I fucked up, a lot. I broke promises. You can break one. Please, just, leave me here. 

“No”, Kenny replied, quiet but firm. “Like I said, you can pretend I’m not here. But I won’t leave till you do, then I’ll just follow. To make sure you’re safe. I promised. I meant it. Come back to the hotel with me. You can sleep in the bed. We don’t have to talk. I just… need to know… that you’re safe”, he couldn’t continue, tears kept coming.  _ Please, this can’t be how it ends. Help me understand.  _

Unable to help himself, Adam put his hand over the hand Kenny had resting on the bench.  _ Angel please. I've hurt you enough.  _ “Angel, I know ya want answers. I just… I can’t think right. M’too drunk”, Adam sighed, hanging his head, “I dunno if I can walk back. I dunno how I got here in one piece.” He sniffled and leaned back against the bench, “m’just gonna sit here till I can walk, maybe watch the sun come up.”

Kenny turned his hand over, laced their fingers, not worrying about being shaken off or pushed away. “Cowboy, I will help you. If you want to walk back. We will walk back. If you want me to call an Uber, I’ll call an Uber. If you want to stay here, I’ll stay with you. I’m not asking for answers right now, I know you can’t really have the discussion I want to have. That’s for tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever. Right now, I just want you to be someplace safe to rest, because you are so drunk.”

Adam had run out of argument, and the energy to argue, and Kenny’s hand felt nice.  _ Soft skin, soft grip, I don’t deserve this kindness, but it feels good.  _ “Angel, I.. can’t keep.. I want to… What I mean is, take me back to the room? I think, maybe, we can walk. It ain’t that far. It might do me good.”

Kenny smiled, and stood up, he put Adam’s gear bag on his back. “Sounds good, we’ll get there, I won’t let you fall, I promise,” Kenny said with a wink.

Adam’s heart melted at how easily Kenny could just show him love, though he could still see the pain in his eyes. He stood, a bit wobbly, stretched, tentatively put his hand out for Kenny. “I appreciate ya, really, I don’t deserve you.”

Kenny smiled, took Adam’s hand, “You do, you always have. Now, let's go, you really need sleep. Tomorrow is another day.” 

Adam hung his head  _ yeah.. ‘bout tomorrow. What kinda day will it be?  _ “Yeah”. He tried not to think about all the bad things that could happen tomorrow, it was hard enough to concentrate on walking and staying upright. But Kenny, true to his word, held his hand tightly, never letting him falter.

As they walked, Kenny noticed Adam was having trouble, more trouble than just not tripping over his boots. He looked lost in thought. Kenny pulled Adam closer, dropped his hand, wrapped his arm around Adam’s waist instead. “I’ve got you, lean on me, we’re almost there.”

Unable to resist, Adam leaned his head on Kenny’s shoulder, not completely because staying upright was getting more difficult, but because he just wanted to be close, he wanted to pretend even for just a few minutes that he hadn’t possibly ruined everything. Also, to commit things like Kenny’s smell, the way his hair tickles as the breeze blows, the strong arm holding him up, to memory. Even if it’s drunk, fuzzy memory, just in case this is the last time he’s able to be this close.

Kenny felt a tear drip onto his neck, he doesn’t ask, he just squeezed Adam a little tighter. “It’s ok, we’re here, just gotta get up to the room. You’re ok”, Kenny says, hoping he sounds reassuring. He guided Adam through the lobby, into the elevator.

Once in the room, Adam isn’t quite sure what to do. He feels so out of place, even though just last night they’d had a wonderful night together. The memory bringing fresh tears.  _ I really did find a way to fuck up somethin so good.  _ He spotted a bandana on the desk, picked it up, fabric a bit damp. His heart sank. Matt and Nick had been there, this has to be Matt’s. He held it, standing in the middle of the room, and cried. Adding more tears to the fabric. “I’m so sorry,” he cried. 

Kenny had been turning the covers down, getting the bed ready for Adam, when he heard him cry. He rushed over to him, hugged him tightly, “it’s ok, it’ll be ok.” Kenny shuffled with Adam in his arms over toward the bed, and gently pushed him down to sit. “Look at me,” he said softly, “Please. We will figure this out. Trust me.”

Adam looked up, met Kenny’s eyes, his heart broke again for all the sadness he’s caused, but he owed it to Kenny not to look away. He also owed Kenny some kind of words, he just had nothing that sounded good enough. “I trust you. But, Angel, nothin is gonna be ok ‘bout this. It’s my fault. I deserve whatever happens. 

Kenny couldn’t help the tears that fell, but instead of focusing on that, he focused on getting Adam comfortable and into bed, so he could sleep. They had to talk. They needed to do it when Adam wasn’t drunk. Getting into this now wouldn’t help anyone. “Let me help you get ready for bed, you really need sleep,” he whispered. As he tried to get Adam out of his shirt, he saw that he held a colorful bandana in his hand. He tossed the shirt to the side, knelt down to help with boots and socks, but also to get a better look at the bandana. “Is that? Wait, where’d you get that” he asked when he realized that was a Bucks bandana.  _ He’s holding that bandana like his life depends on it, how long has he had it? There’s more going on here.. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt them. _

“Was on the desk over there. M’guessin Matt or Nick left it, I think Matt. He was real upset, cloth is damp, even more now…” Adam answered, sniffling, “I never wanted to… I mean I did what I did… but like, I wish I could ‘splain. I will, I owe it to you, but I just can’t right now. Adam was sobbing again, the alcohol and emotions all piling up on him, mixed up with Kenny being his usual loving self, it was all too much.  _ Drinkin so much maybe wasn’t a good idea. _

Kenny sat next to Adam and pulled him into a hug. “I’m not sure what’s going on, I know we’ll talk about it. For now, just… try to relax,” Kenny said, trying to keep his voice steady. He gently guided Adam back and onto the pillows, unbuckled his belt and shuffled his jeans off. Kenny stood up, started to walk toward the mini fridge, till he heard a whimper. “Adam? What is it?” concern clear in his voice.

“Don’t leave. Please? I mean ya don’t gotta sleep with me, but… sit here?” Adam’s voice was smaller than Kenny ever heard it.

“I wasn’t leaving,” Kenny answered with a small smile, “I was just going to get you a bottle of water from the mini fridge.” As he goes to get the water, he continues “I told you, I’m not leaving. I mean that, always. I wouldn’t leave you at the park, I won’t leave you here now, it takes an awful lot to get rid of me. He couldn’t help but sadly chuckle at himself as he put the bottle of water on the table and sat back down next to Adam, leaning against his pillow.  _ Please don’t try to get rid of me.  _

Adam wasn’t sure what to say, he knew he’d done an awful thing. He knew he’d never try to pull Kenny away from the Bucks, not again, he couldn’t inflict that pain… as if he hasn’t already started to.  _ How much is too much, Angel? This is gonna hurt us both.  _ “Thank You,” he whispered, “For everything”. He couldn’t say more, he knew he’d cry, his eyes were getting heavy, he’d rather sleep than continue to upset Kenny with his tears.

Kenny kissed him on the cheek, “I love you, Adam, rest now, I’ll be here, I promise.” Kenny arranged himself so that he could run his fingers through Adam’s hair, he knew that’d help him relax, help him sleep. He needed Adam to sleep. It was getting harder to keep his own tears at bay. 

Adam hummed softly at the feeling of fingers in his hair. “Love you too, Kenny… Angel, always my Angel,” he knew his words were slurring, forming words was getting harder as his eyes got heavier.

“Always my Cowboy”, Kenny whispered, a silent tear rolling down his cheek.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If this really is the end, I wonder if he’ll let me keep something. What would I take? A shirt, a bandana, a hair tie? Will he want something of mine?

Adam woke up feeling achy, not too bad considering he couldn’t remember how much he’d had to drink. He feels Kenny’s fingers tangled in his hair, and sees that Kenny is sleeping awkwardly propped up on the headboard and pillows. Suddenly, the events of the past day and night came flooding back. He choked back tears as he realized that this could be the last time he gets to watch Kenny sleep. He had to think, figure out what to do, he’d caused so much pain already and hadn’t gotten a chance to explain. As much as he needed a shower, he just couldn’t pull himself away, not when there’s so much more to commit to memory. His much clearer memory. 

He took this time to really look at Kenny, appreciate his beautiful face… his face that is marked with faint tear tracks. Adam sighed, while he drifted off feeling Kenny’s fingers in his hair, wanting only to soothe him, he realized Kenny fell asleep crying. Adam’s own tears started falling again. “So much pain,” he whispered. He continued to stare, though Kenny’s eyes were closed, he thought of how those eyes looked before they were full of sadness and pain, wondering if he’d ever see those happy eyes again. Kenny’s mouth, slightly open as he breathes, Adam knew he’d never again see the soft smile meant only for him. Adam reached out, carefully touched Kenny’s hair, soft curls framing his face, often wild, but only added to his charm. Every detail of Kenny’s body, committed to his memory forever, just in case this had to be the end.  _ I don’t want to lose you. I did what I had to. To protect you. Protect us. Even protect them. I can’t keep causing you pain. It just ain’t fair to ya.  _

Adam finally pushed himself up, had to get the day started. He had a plan: shower, order breakfast, try to explain himself to Kenny, answer his questions, and accept whatever happened next, most likely a night of drinking alone and stumbling to his own room.  _ I could avoid all that, and maybe hurt him less if I just order him breakfast and leave a note on the tray. Be gone before he wakes up. Cry in my own shower.  _ He glances at Kenny, still lying awkwardly, and knows none of that is a good idea. Kenny would be devastated, he deserves better, he deserves an explanation. Once out of bed, he carefully shifts Kenny into a more comfortable position on the bed, tucks him in, and heads to the shower.

*****

A knock on the door wakes Kenny up, it takes him a few seconds to realize he’s tucked in and alone. For a second he fears that Adam has left, but then he hears the shower and sees Adam’s bags still on the floor. The knocking continues, Kenny gets himself out of bed to open the door.

“Matt? What are you doing here,” Kenny questions. Matt slips into the room and starts looking around, he notices the shower running and pauses. “Is he here? You let him in,” Matt asks, somewhat shocked. 

“Yes, he’s here. I brought him here. Like I told you last night, I want to understand what happened. I listened to you guys, I watched the videos, and now, I’m going to find out from him why” Kenny answered calmly.

“Find out why? He spent the night here and you didn’t ask? You just let him sleep here.” Matt was getting more flustered the more he spoke, he started pacing, trying not to yell.

“Matt, he was drunk. Worse than I’ve ever seen him. He didn’t come back here, I had to go look for him, luckily I found him. I had to convince him to come back with me, he was going to spend the night in the park then go who knows where. I couldn’t let that happen. I made promises that I intend to keep.” Kenny was slowly losing his composure, but he didn’t want to argue, he wanted answers. He wanted to hear the other side of the story. He wanted to understand. He takes a deep breath before continuing. “He wasn’t in any shape to be able to have the conversation I want to have. I took care of him, like I promised. I made sure he was safe, like I promised. These things may not matter to you, but they matter to me. I love him.” Kenny’s eyes started to tear up, so he stopped. He needed to be in control of his emotions.

Matt just stared at Kenny. “I know you love him, but he’s an alcoholic, he cost us a match that cost us a title shot. He turned his back on us. But you want to hear his side? When are you going to realize that you can’t keep everyone together. You can’t make everyone get along. He wanted out of the Elite, he’s out. But… you do what you need to. You know where to find us. Those of us that really love you.” Matt headed for the door, he didn’t want to be there when Adam got out of the shower.

“Wait. I don’t get to respond? You get to say your piece and you walk away? I’m just supposed to listen?” Kenny was getting angry, though he wasn’t really mad at any one individual, the entire situation was frustrating. “I saw the videos you showed me. At the bar, you asked him a question, but you didn’t let him answer. You both said what you had to say, then you tossed a drink at him and stormed off. I am going to ask, I’m going to listen, I don’t know what he’s going to say or what will happen after. But I need to know.” Kenny looked up at Matt, to see a look of disbelief in his eyes.

“You know what your problem is, Kenny? Your problem is you want there to be a good reason. You never want to think a person can just be bad, or someone’s intentions are bad. This is why you get hurt. It’s why you want to cry right now. You don’t want to believe that he turned his back on us, and by extension, you. You don’t want to think he’s bad. But he is. He doesn’t like me, or Nick. He told us that, he told you that. But you still thought you could be in a relationship with him. You wanted to make it work. You believed him. Nick and I, we wanted to believe him. We wanted him to be good for you. But he isn’t.” Matt stopped his lecture when he noticed Kenny was crying, he wanted so badly to reach out, to apologize, but these are things Kenny had to hear. Especially if he was planning on listening to anything Adam had to say.

Kenny sunk down to the carpet, unable to help the tears pouring out. He saw Matt reach out to him, but he shrunk away. “Don’t touch me,” said, voice raised slightly. “You want to know what is wrong with me? I’m tired of being in the middle, of always being the one that has to lose something that means so much to me. You guys lost a match, a title shot, where you’d have to face me too, but I guess that doesn’t matter. You just want to take something from Adam, like you’ve wanted ever since he got a belt around his waist. You’ll have other matches, other title shots. I could lose so much more, it’s like you want me to lose everything. If he leaves me, you guys will be happy. You will say ‘I told you so’. It isn’t your heart that gets broken, again.”

“Happy? Kenny, no, not hap--” Matt tried to say, but Kenny interrupted him with an icy stare.

“No? Not happy? You’d be thrilled. It’s clear that you don’t like Adam. You didn’t like Kota. When he left the country, you did everything you could to take my mind off him. I consumed myself in being The Cleaner to deal with the loss, but you guys didn’t really care how badly I was hurting. You guys only accepted Kota after he went to great lengths to prove himself. After putting me in the middle, trying to make me choose, making everything fall apart around me. If not for him, I’m not sure I would have survived that entire situation. I never wanted to feel like that again.” Kenny was starting to feel dizzy, so much emotion swirling through him, he put his head in his hands, willing himself to get it together.

“Kenny, listen,” Matte pleaded, “this… isn’t that. We don’t want to see you hurt.”

Kenny stood up, it took all of his willpower not to punch Matt, but he knew that wouldn’t solve anything. He settled on sitting in the desk chair, and glaring at Matt. “This is EXACTLY that. This feels like that. You guys on one side, me in the middle, my partner on the other side. I always have to choose. I always have to lose. Remember how that story ended the first time, Matt? DO YOU!?”

Matt gives Kenny a confused look, “uh you beat us, you became champion, he became a champion, it ended with you singing christmas songs in the snow at Korakuen, holding hands, being happy.”

Kenny couldn’t help the sob that escaped him, he missed Kota so much, an ache that will never leave his heart, he thought nothing could hurt more than that. But he was proven wrong. That his best friend didn’t even understand what he had gone through, what he’d sacrificed to get to this point, felt like a physical blow. “That… wasn’t the end, Matt. That was the end of my time in New Japan. I thought you knew the difference,” Kenny scoffed. “But this is what I mean, you don’t really care about the pain I go through, so long as I’m doing ‘elite things’ with you and Nick. I had to make a choice. Stay in Japan, or come here and start a new company. Staying meant I could stay with Kota, but how does that affect his dreams, his goals? Leaving meant I could follow new dreams of my own, conquer new goals. Kota is a star, he’d be great on any company roster, but I could not ask him to come with me. I couldn’t ask him to give up his dream, his goal, his home. We tried to make a long distance relationship work, we just… couldn’t. Yes, we’re still friends. My heart aches for him always, but I can’t have both. I had to lose something. To come to AEW, join this adventure with you, I had to lose Kota. My soulmate.”

Matt was stunned, he’d wondered what happened with Kota. Why suddenly it was ok for Kenny to date Adam, but he figured there was some open relationship that he just didn’t ask about. He thought he’d been respecting Kenny’s privacy, not trying to ignore his pain. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. We never asked.”

“No,” Kenny answered, “You never do. You both assume everything is great, so long as I’m doing what you need or want me to to do. And here we are again. I am in the middle, you expect me to choose a side. What’s worse is you want me to do it without hearing both sides. Did you notice, he couldn’t even look at Nick as he held his leg. As soon as the match ended, he walked off, through the stands, tears in his eyes? At the bar, he couldn’t make eye contact with you, even as you yelled at him. Something is going on, I don’t know what it is, but I’m going to find out. If things end badly, it won’t be because I didn’t try to understand. My concern isn’t that I’ll find out Adam has bad intentions, I trust him. My concern is that he’s sacrificing himself, thinking it’ll somehow help me. I’ve been in his shoes, thinking I’m not good enough, thinking my partner is better off without me, I know where that thought process leads. I pushed Kota away, I left him, I made him leave me. I won’t let Adam do that, at least I’m going to try. I don’t want to lose him.” Kenny got up again, walked over to the bed, where he noticed the bandana laying, suddenly realizing that’s probably why Matt was there in the first place. He grabbed it and handed it to Matt, “you were probably looking for this.”

“Uh, yeah, thanks. You slept with it?” Matt was surprised, but maybe Kenny needed some comfort. They all knew he had a shirt of Kota’s that he traveled with for comfort, no one mentioned it.

“No, Adam did. You should probably get going before he gets out of the shower. I’ll catch up with you later” Kenny said, ushering Matt out the door before he could respond, letting the door click shut on his surprised face. He sighed heavily, slumping back into the desk chair. 

Kenny couldn’t sit still, he paced the room trying to think of how things could go, how he could keep things from falling apart.  _ What if I can’t fix this.  _ The thought alone was heartbreaking. His eyes landed on Adam’s bags, he let his fingers trail over the handle of his suitcase.  _ If this really is the end, I wonder if he’ll let me keep something. What would I take? A shirt, a bandana, a hair tie? Will he want something of mine? _ His thoughts are interrupted by the bathroom door opening.


	3. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is worth the pain, I can handle the pain, as long as I know you love me.

Adam turns off the water and listens carefully, he no longer hears talking, so he figures it’s safe to leave the bathroom. He spots Kenny staring at his suitcase, looking sad. “Kenny? Are you ok?”

Kenny turns to Adam, notices he’s dressed, hair mostly dry.  _ How long was he waiting to come out?  _ “Uh, yeah, I was thinking, that’s all. You were in there a long time.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry. When I was finished, I heard Matt’s voice. I didn’t wanna interrupt, also didn’t wanna listen, so I turned the water back on and just waited” Adam answered. He looked closely at Kenny’s face, he saw his red eyes, fresh from crying. Matt had made Kenny cry, the thought alone made him angry. But his bigger concern was Kenny. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Kenny wiped his eyes, he knew Adam could see through him. He’d promised Adam honesty, always. “Matt stopped by, we talked, I wouldn’t say argued, but maybe it could be called that. I don’t know. He did what he always does, wanted to say things but didn’t want to hear things. I made him hear things. Turns out he was looking for his bandana, I gave it to him, sent him off with stuff to think about.”

“I’m sorry he upset you. No doubt it’s my fault, but still, I don’t want anyone hurtin you,” Adam said, hanging his head. This isn’t how he wanted to start this. “Hey, I know we need to talk, you deserve an explanation. I had a plan, I mean, I was gonna have… but then Matt was here and... what I’m tryin to say is, let me order us some breakfast, then we can talk.”

“It isn’t your fault, you need to stop that,” Kenny said, shaking his head and smiling slightly. “I know it’s easier said than done, believe me. I’m good at self-blame.” He looked at Adam, he looked so sad, but was trying to put on his best neutral face and will the pain to wait till later. If it kept him here longer, Kenny was willing to let him. “Breakfast sounds good, Cowboy. I’ll be right back. 

Adam grinned at the use of the nickname, he could almost believe this day wouldn’t end in disaster. He dialed room service as Kenny headed into the bathroom. He wasn’t sure how long Kenny was going to be, so Adam lounged himself on the bed to wait.

Kenny came out of the bathroom, deciding to forgo a shower in favor of just cleaning up and getting changed. He wanted some time before the food came to just sit with Adam. Unsure of how close he’d be allowed to get, he approached the bed slowly and sat down on the edge. “Can I just… sit with you? Maybe sit next to you?”

Adam’s heart broke at how careful Kenny was being, he never wanted Kenny to be afraid. Maybe he’d said something wrong last night, being drunk and honest wasn’t always a good combination. He lifted his arm in invitation, “Come here, Angel, I want you to be near me. I know I was doin a lot of pushin you away last night, but it isn’t because I don’t want you close.”

Kenny crawled closer, situated himself against Adam’s side, head resting on his chest. He loved to listen to Adam’s heartbeat.  _ If this has to end, I’m going to remember this heart, this heartbeat. This feeling of being safe and loved in these arms. It may be all I have to hold on to.  _ “Thank you”, he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I love you. Remember that, no matter what happens,” Adam said, hugging Kenny close. He knew where Kenny’s thoughts were, he could feel his tears, he might be able to stall his own pain, and stall the conversation by ordering food, but he knows the truth is Kenny is already hurting. 

Kenny sniffled and snuggled closer, “I love you too. I’m not going anywhere,” Kenny said, softly, but firm, leaving no room for argument. He closed his eyes, determined to just feel love, and hope for the best.

There was nothing but honesty in Kenny’s voice, and a little stubbornness that Adam had grown fond of. Adam wanted to believe they could get through this, but he just wasn’t sure. Right now, he couldn’t be certain either of them would be ok. Adam leaned down and kissed Kenny’s hair, chuckled softly as it tickled his nose, and allowed himself to feel the love he knows Kenny feels for him even just for a few moments. The quiet was interrupted by room service knocking at the door. “I’ll get it,” Adam said, shifting himself carefully out of bed.

Kenny smiled when he saw the tray Adam placed on the bed, a familiar assortment of breakfast foods for them to share. He immediately reached for a grape and popped it into his mouth. “I love fresh fruit”, he said, around the mouthful of grape. 

For a moment, Adam swore Kenny’s eyes lit up, as he popped the grape in his mouth. Adam laughed at the ridiculousness of Kenny talking with his mouth full. “I hope you don’t mind that I ordered this way, I just… I remembered the first time you took care of me. I dunno how this is gonna go, I wanted to… I wanted to do somethin good, since I’ve already done so much wrong. Adam fumbled with the wrapper on a muffin, he couldn’t say any more. 

Kenny put his hand over Adam’s, gently took the muffin and unwrapped it and handed it back. “You had trouble with a muffin wrapper that morning too,” Kenny said with a soft chuckle, smiling. 

_ There it is. The smile. My smile. Remember it. Remember how his eyes shine, his mouth turns up so softly. So beautiful.  _ “Thanks, Angel, I did, I seem to always have trouble with these,” Adam replied with a chuckle of his own.

“This will always be a perfect breakfast, I love it. It’s our breakfast”, Kenny said, resting his head on Adam’s shoulder. 

They ate in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Kenny looked over at Adam, noticed he was pushing his eggs around on the plate rather than eating them. He put his hand on Adam’s wrist, “not going to eat those?” he asked.

Adam sighed, “uh, wasn’t really thinkin about em. Not really that hungry.” He tried to meet Kenny’s eyes, but was afraid of what he might see.

Kenny squeezed Adam’s wrist gently, “eat up, Cowboy, you need to protein” he said, trying to lighten the mood a bit. 

Adam shook his head, pushed the plate away slightly. “I can’t, I want to keep putting this off, just stay in this moment, with you, eating breakfast, but we can’t do that. I just… I’m worried…

Kenny took Adam’s hand in his, “I understand. I’m worried too.”

Adam got up, took the tray over to the desk, using those few minutes to just gather his thoughts. When he got back to the bed, Kenny was sitting up, legs crossed, waiting. Adam sat on the side of the bed in front of him and took both Kenny’s hands and held them. “I want ya to know I love you. You’re gonna doubt that once I start ‘splanin myself. But M’gonna tell you everything.” He felt Kenny squeeze his hands, encouraging him to continue. “So, ya know I’ve been in my head a lot, and I been talking to Dax and Cash sometimes… and m’not exactly sure they can be trusted, I kinda want to trust em. But, the two didn’t exactly make for good thoughts. The more I thought about facing the Bucks again, the worse I felt. See, I didn’t wanna fight them again. Not because I didn’t think we can win, of course we can win, but I didn’t want you to have to fight them again. I know they don’t like me, and I told em I didn’t like them, but I still love them. It’s… hard to explain. I know you don’t like fighting your friends, I didn’t want you to have to, I didn’t want you hurt. I didn’t want them hurt, the build up to the last match we had hurt everyone. They said stuff, I said stuff, just… things that wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t have to fight. I didn’t want that to happen again. I was… I thought I was… protecting everyone.” Adam hung his head, he felt the tears start to fall.  _ I messed up. I’m sorry, Angel. _

Kenny listened, so many things going through his mind as the words sunk in.  _ Protect? All of us?  _ He squeezed Adam’s hands again, trying to get him to look up. “Adam, look at me, please? I.. I’m not mad. I just want to understand,” Kenny said softly. When Adam looked up, Kenny couldn’t help the gasp he let out when he saw all the pain in his eyes. “You were trying to protect all of us? So we didn’t hurt each other? You love them, that’s why you held Matt’s bandana last night. But why not wait and see what FTR was going to do?”

Adam laughed sadly, “FTR couldn’t beat the Bucks. The Bucks are the best tag team in the world, except for… well, you. Any team you are part of. They couldn’t beat us, they couldn’t beat the Golden Lovers. It was never a question in my mind, or my heart, that we can beat them. Had I waited, it would have looked like I was choosing FTR over them, over you, and that isn’t what I’d be doing. I may not like how they’ve been acting, stuff they’ve been saying toward me and you, but they’re still family. I still love them. I know it ain’t mutual, and that’s ok, but I never wanted to hurt em. I miss em sometimes, seeing Matt’s bandana here… I was already drunk, sad, hating myself, it just made me feel worse… to know they’re hurting and I can't do anything about it. In my brain, I couldn’t hold Matt, tell him I’m sorry, but I could hold his bandana and just hope he’ll understand someday.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “I never wanted to cause you pain, I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want them to take from you just so they could take from me. But, I messed up and everyone is hurting anyway. But you guys will be ok, ya don’t need me. You having your best friends is more important than anything, I just want you to be happy again. 

Kenny tried to hold back his tears, he sniffled, tried to clear his throat but it turned into more of a sob. He couldn’t stop, he pulled his hands away and put his face in his hands and sobbed. Once he pulled himself together, he reached out for Adam’s hands again, taking them gently, “I love you so much”. He felt Adam squeeze his hands, comforting him, waiting for him to continue. “I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for me, for anything or anyone. Cowboy, I’ve been there. You saw, it tore me apart. This is tearing me apart, but it isn’t your fault. I understand what you were trying to do, I think. It’s all too much, arguing with Matt, worrying about losing you. You didn’t come back last night, I had to force you to hear me, to come with me, I worried I’d already lost you. I can’t keep losing. I don’t want to keep losing.”

Adam’s heart shattered at the pain, he carefully pulled his hands away and reached out for Kenny, tentatively pulling him into a hug, relaxing only when Kenny melted into his arms. He held Kenny tightly, trying with all his might to soothe the hurt he’s caused. “I’m so sorry, Angel,” he whispered. “I never meant for this to happen. I wanted the opposite. I wanted you to have at least most of everythin you deserve.”

Kenny pulled back, but stayed close, “Everything I deserve? I only want to be happy, have friends, a lover, a job that lets me be creative.”

“I thought I could at least make sure you had most of that. I love you, but if I had to give up everything so you could have almost everything, I’d do it. You have given up so much, without complainin, you been put in situations you can’t win, and it just ain’t fair. I won’t make you make you pick a side, v’been happy just being your boyfriend even though the others don’t like me. I just want you to be happy. But all I’ve been seeing in your eyes is pain. That’s my fault. I made a mistake thinkin I could make it better. I want you to have everything, but maybe I can’t give you everything. I tried.” Adam couldn’t keep going, tears falling.

Kenny pulled Adam into a hug, “please don’t do this, I know where this road goes, Cowboy.” He pulled back to meet Adam’s eyes, “I’ve done this. It didn’t go well. Losing you, in this way, won’t make me happy. What good is my job if you aren’t there? How can I take comfort in my friends, when I don’t think they truly care about me? If I lose you, I’ll have no one, again.”

Adam lowered his eyes, he couldn’t handle the look in Kenny’s eyes, such pain, such love. “Love shouldn’t hurt, Angel. I keep hurtin you. Even when I try to do somethin good, that turns out wrong. The Bucks, they care, they just need to show it better. Listen to ya. But, I guess they do have a listenin problem, they sure as hell ain’t got a talkin problem.”

“Love is worth the pain, I can handle the pain, as long as I know you love me. As long as I know you know I love you,” Kenny said firmly. “The Bucks, they mean well, but even today I just realized that my pain really isn’t something they notice. It’s sad really, to have people you consider best friends, brothers, only to find out that they don’t really notice anything. You always notice, Adam, even when you’re drunk, even if you’re upset with me, you see something is wrong and you ask.”

Adam met Kenny’s eyes again. “I always notice. I promised I’d care for you, love you, do right by you. I may not always do everything right, but I try. I know I broke some of those, I never meant to.”

Kenny shook his head, “you didn’t break anything, just please, don’t make any decisions yet. We have our title defense coming up, we need to be prepared. We have to be thinking clearly. We can’t be divided. We can’t let FTR, or the Bucks, or anything come between us. After, when we’ve all had time to calm down, if nothing changes, if you still feel like you need to… I won’t argue…”

“You’re right, we need to be ready for FTR. They aren’t gonna be easy, but we can win. I know we can,”Adam said, sounding more confident as he spoke. “Kenny, I don’t need anything but you. I’m going to be here. I don’t know what will happen after All Out, I will promise you I’ll do my best not to hurt you.”

“Thank you. I just… just want more time,” Kenny whispered, “more time.”

Adam stood up, stretched, but then got back in on his side of the bed. He reached out for Kenny and pulled him to his chest. “We got time, I think you need a nap though, there’s no way you slept well the way you were sitting.”

Kenny smiled, pushed himself up a little to kiss Adam softly on the lips. “A nap sounds good, will you take one too? Or just lay here with me,” Kenny asked as he shuffled around and got comfortable, head resting on Adam’s chest.

“Of course, Angel, I’m not goin anywhere,” Adam answers, kissing Kenny on the head and pulling him closer. “I sleep better with you.”

“Me too,” Kenny mumbled, drifting off to sleep.


End file.
